My goddamn Nokia_G_240W_A's firmware most likely has a memory leak, and if I don't reboot it every now and then, it starts getting more and more packet loss, until it completely stops all traffic.
The stores near me are not selling GPON-compatible routers, apparently. So my only immediate solution is to write a goddamn script aimed at rebooting my fucking router every night to counter the memory leak.
This router sucks so much that it's web server's responses can't even be parsed by the golang net/http package. See issue golang/go#21290 for more explanations.