I keep all my jokes in a dad-a-base
They're not a dad jokes they're rad jokes
Q: Did you hear about the big Lego sale recently? A: People were lining up for blocks
Q: Why do dads feel the need to tell such bad jokes? A: They just want to help you become a groan up.
Q: Why are spiders so smart? A: They can find everything on the web.
Q: What do you call two octopuses that look the same? A: Itenticle.
Q: What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A: A bed.
Q: What’s red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.
Q: What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? A: Sofishticated.
I have joke about programming, but it works only on my computer
Q: What do you call a man with a rubber toe? A: Roberto.
Q: How does a javascipt developer make a cheer? A: ['hip', 'hip'] // (hip hip array!)
Q: What’s the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories? A: Leave the pizza in the oven.
Q: Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed 10 quarters last night?” A: Nurse: “No change yet.”
Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot • Don't get yourself in a stew
Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money • Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning
Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away? • He's all right now.
Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door! • don't worry, we'll soon pull you through
Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope? • it depends what you are hoping for
Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter! • just wait there and be a little patient
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams • the problem is, you've become too tense
Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid • Nonsense man, you can stop anytime
Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me • why not? well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine
Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye • Try taking the spoon out first
Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep. • oh that's very baaaaaaaad!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains • pull yourselves together man
Doctor, doctor...I've just swallowed a roll of film! • come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!
Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses • You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell? Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring!
Doctor, doctor I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu! • Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar? • I find that very hard to believe!
Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia • try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off.
Doctor doctor, what can you give me for the wind? • here, try this kite
Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers • don't worry, what you have is not catching
Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing • We'll soon put a stop to that
Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me . . . • next please
Doctor doctor, I've got acute appendicitis • You've got a cute little dimple too
Doctor, doctor, what's the quickest way to get to hospital? • lie in the road outside
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live • just wait a minute will you . . .
Doctor doctor, I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true? • Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?
Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory • when did this happen? When did what happen?
Doctor doctor, I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit... • you're crackers
Doctor, doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake • Sleep in another room then!
Doctor, doctor you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking! • Do you drink a lot? Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion? • Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, doctor I've become invisible • I'm afriad I can't see you now
Doctor, doctor my nose runs and my feet smell • I fear you might have been built upside down
Doctor, doctor I've broken my arm in two places • hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog • Sit on the couch and we will talk about it. But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor doctor I've a strawberry stuck in my ear! • Don't worry, I've some cream for that!
Doctor doctor I feel like a pony! • don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!
Doctor doctor you said i'd be dead in ten - ten what? years? months? • 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
Doctor doctor I've become a kleptomaniac • have you taken anything for it? so far a TV, three sofas and a necklace
Doctor doctor an alternative medicine quack told us to put a LOT of goose fat all over grandad's back • if you do that, he'll go downhill fast
Doctor doctor I've swallowed a fish bone. • are you choking? No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas • you’re suffering from Claus-trophobia
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? • I never make rash promises...
Doctor doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes • have you seen a doctor already? no, just spots
Doctor doctor every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy • how long have you been getting these disney spells?
Doctor doctor I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth • you need a psychiatrist not a doctor I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on..
Doctor doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom • How's that? Oh, don't you start...
Doctor, Doctor - I've got amnesia • Just go home and try to forget about it...
Doctor, Doctor - they are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire... • Necks please...
Doctor, Doctor - you have to help me out... • Certainly. Which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor - I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome • It's not unusual...
Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You... • I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome..
Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat • how long have you felt like this? Since I was a kid..
Doctor, Doctor - I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar... • Don't worry, you'll soon change...
Doctor, Doctor - I keep comparing things with something else. • Don't worry, it's only analogy
Doctor, Doctor - I've a little bit of lettuce sticking out of my bottom • Oh dear, I'm afraid to say it looks to me like just the tip of the iceberg
Q: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? A: They're really good at it.
Q: Why did the elephant paint his nuts red? A: So he could hide in the cherry tree
Q: What's the loudest sound in the jungle? A: A giraffe eating cherries
Last night I had a dream I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
My wife said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how I did that, I didn’t even KNOW it was her birthday!
Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?
Son: Dad, can I watch the TV? Dad: Sure, just don’t turn it on.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Abby. Abby who? Abby birthday to you!
What’s the different between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
Q: What did the 0 say to the 8? A: Nice belt!
Q: What time did the man go to the dentist? A: Tooth hurt-y.
Q: What is the goal keeper least favourit drink? A: Penal tea.
Q: How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? A: Nothing. It was on the house.
Q: What do snowmen call their offspring? A: Chill-dren.
Q: What is the best Christmas present? A: A broken drum, you just can’t beat it.
Q: Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? A: He was searching for some holiday spirit.
Q: What do you call a snowman that can walk? A: Snow-mobile.
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.
Q: Did you hear that Santa knows karate? A: He has a black belt.
Q: What do elves post on Social Media? A: Elf-ies.
Q: What says Oh Oh Oh? A: Santa walking backward.
Q: What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective? A: Santa Clues!
Q: What is Santa’s nationality? A: He’s North Pole-ish
Q: Why did all the witches have to wear name tags at a party? A: So they knew which witch was which.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claws!
Q: My new year resolution was to read more A: So I put the subtitles on my TV.
Boss: Can you work this weekend? Me: Yeah no worries but I'll probably be a bit late as public transport is slow on weekends. Boss: What time will you get here? Me: Monday.
News Flash: Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Man walks into a club with jump leads round his neck, bouncer asks ' hope you not going to start anything tonight!'
I went window shopping on the weekend! I bought four windows.
Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
My Mrs had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.
My Mrs said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'
How do you know when you're officially old? When it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired. Happy birthday!
A bear walked into Bar and could "Bearly" stand, sat for drink A lady though he was very good looking and passed him her number She said call me sometime The Bear looked at her and just stared for a bit and said...
Ok
and then she asked why the Big pause?
he replied I was born with them.
What do you call a beehive without an exit? Un-bee-leavable.
I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
What did Friday say to Saturday and Sunday when they were about to give up? Weekend do it!