- I will not be close with someone who physically lashes out against me with anger. Not even once
- I have a right to chose who I spend my time with
- I have a right to choose to be where I please when I please. No one has a right to trap me against my will or make me feel guilty about being somewhere. No one has the right to dictate where I can and cannot go
- I have the right to chose what I do with my time. I have the right to chose when I want to listen to something or not. I have the right to say no when someone wants to tell me something - regardless of what I am doing.
- I have a right to not be held responsible for other people's feelings
- I have a right to change my mind
- I have a right to feel emotions
- I will not make excuses for anyones harmful behaviour
- I will not accept excuses for anyone's harmful behaviour
- I will not be involved with a person whose words and actions don't align. I will believe actions over words everytime.
- I will not be involved in a relationship with a deceitful person.
- I will not become involved with emotionally unavailable people
- When I meet someone, I will retain my other relationships and interests
- I will not go against my personal values, needs or rights to please someone else
- I will not be part of a relationship where I am not treated with love, kindness and respect.
- I will not be part of a relationship where my emotional needs are invalidated
- I will not be involved with anyone who mistreats people or animals. If I see them doing so I will raise it immediately.
- When I meet someone new, I will continue to create space to meet new people and persue new friendships, relationships and interests
- I will reserve some spaces for myself and for my relationships with those besides my partners. For examples, I will have Women in ML events where only the group attends. Another example: I will create space to spend time with my family without my partners.
- I will not make assumptions about what people are thinking and feeling and will instead ask
- I will not take on someone's else problems as if they are my own. I will instead provide advice or ideas when asked for. And I will ask if ideas are welcome before offering. I will not take on the anxiety of their problems as if it were my own. Instead I will focus on listening. I will provide support (helping remove obstacles) or providing small gestures of kindness so they know that I am there and to break up their stress. I will NOT sort out their problems FOR them.
- It is unacceptable for someone to be make me feel guilty about my past sexual relationships
- It is unacceptable for someone to guilt trip me for wanting to have time and space for my friendships
- It is unacceptable for someone to use the silent treatment as a form of revenge. I require open and honest communication. I will however provide time to think or space when requested, but will not accept being ignored.
- It is unacceptable for someone to make me doubt my own senses, or my own memory. Even if they don't agree with my version, we should negotiate based on how we each remembered it.
- I will not tolerate someone who tells me what I am feeling and why - to pretend to know my own mind better than me. If they do want to give me insight or perspectives, I would prefer it to be in the form of an idea.
- I will not give up on the following personal goals for another person:
- Maintaining my mental health
- Building Masakhane
- Growing a strong friendship base
- Paying off my house
- Supporting my current friends
- I often require quiet, space, and alone time. I will not tolerate someone who does not respect that, even if it's for love
| What does this look like | What does this not look like |
|---|---|
| Reciprication of small gestures of appreciation | Few or no small gestures of appreciation |
| Celebration and support of my successes | Minimizing or ignoring my successes |
| Empathy, sensitivity and softness when discussing hard topics | Defensiveness, gaslighting and blaming when discussing hard topics |
| Taking my requests seriously when discussing them | Turning a request into a guilt trip or a joke |
| Encouraging me to see friends and be independant | Guilt tripping me when I see friends or I am independant |
| Empathy and patience when I am sad | Irritation or anger when I am sad |