Dad style programming jokes
submit your own, if they make me laugh I'll merge them.
Unfortunately these jokes only work if you git them.
Q: How do you get the code for the bank vault?
A: You checkout their branch.
Q: How did the developer announce their engagement?
A: They returned true!
Q: Why did the security conscious engineer refuse to pay their dinner bill?
A: Because they could not verify the checksum.
Q: What do you call a busy waiter?
A: A server.
Q: What do you call an idle server?
A: A waiter.
[Please Enter New Password]
fortnight
[Error: Password is Two Week]
Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Yes.
I’ve been hearing news about this big boolean.
Huge if true.
Q: What diet did the ghost developer go on?
A: Boolean
Q: Why was the developer unhappy at their job?
A: They wanted arrays.
Q: Why did 10 get paid less than "10"?
A: There was workplace inequality.
Q: Why was the function sad after a successful first call?
A: It didn’t get a callback.
Q: Why did the angry function exceed the callstack size?
A: It got into an Argument with itself
Q: Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?
A: Inheritance
Q: Why did the developer ground their kid?
A: They weren't telling the truthy
Q: What did the array say after it was extended?
A: Stop objectifying me.
!false
It's funny 'cause it's true.
Q: Where did the parallel function wash its hands?
A: Async
Q: I'm starting a band called HTML Encoder
A: Looking to buy a guitar &
Q: Why did the functions stop calling each other?
A: Because they had constant arguments.
Q: What's the second movie about a database engineer called?
A: The SQL.
Q: Why doesn't Hollywood make more Big Data movies?
A: NoSQL.
A programmer's significant other tells them, "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Q: What did the spider do on the computer?
A: Made a website!
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte!
Q: What does a baby computer call his father?
A: Data!
Q: Why did the computer keep sneezing?
A: It had a virus!
Q: What is a computer virus?
A: A terminal illness!
I never tell the same joke twice
I have a DRY sense of humor.
Q: Why was the computer freezing?
A: It left its Windows open!
Q: Why was there a bug in the computer?
A: Because it was looking for a byte to eat?
Q: Why did the computer squeak?
A: Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a life guard?
A: A screensaver!
Q: Where do all the cool mice live?
A: In their mousepads!
Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?
A: Lots of memory!
Java truly is an OOP language...
As in: OOPs I used Java!
Q: How do programming pirates pass method parameters?
A: Varrrrarrrgs.
Q: How do programming shepherds count their flock?
A: With lambda functions
Q: What airline do developers prefer when they're in a rush?
A: Delta.
Q: How did pirates collaborate before computers ?
A: Pier to pier networking.
Q: Why don't bachelors like Git?
A: Because they are afraid to commit.
Q: A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks:
A: Can I JOIN you?
Q: How does a developer make a cheer?
A: ["hip","hip"] // (hip hip array!)
Q: Why was the developer's family upset with them at dinner?
A: They forgot to git squash before going home
Q: What did JavaScript call his son?
A: JSON!
Q: What did the proud React component say to its child?
A: I've got to give you props
Q: What did the server say to his client who was having a bad day?
A: Everything's going to be 200
Q: Why did the developer go broke?
A: Because they used up all their cache
Q: Are computers dangerous?
A: Nah, they don't byte. They just nibble a bit.
Q: How did the mafioso kill the Node server?
A: Tie await to it and let it async.
Q: You know what the best thing about booleans is?
A: Even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.
Q: Why couldn’t the user update a file on a shared server?
A: They didn’t have the write permissions
Q: What do you do when you can't understand your husband's behavior?
A: man man
Q: How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It's a hardware issue
Q: Why do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT == 25 DEC
Q: Why do kayakers make bad programmers?
A: Because they're afraid of waterfall.
Q: What are computers' favorite snacks?
A: Microchips, phish sticks, and cookies. But just a few bytes of each.
Q: What do computers love to do at the beach?
A: Put on some spam block for protection so they can safely surf the net while catching some .WAVs!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A-dell.
Q: What's a compiler developer's favorite spice?
A: Parsley.
Q: When do front end developers go out to eat?
A: On their lunch <br>.
Q: A SQL developer walked into a NoSQL bar.
A: They left because they couldn't find a table.
Q: How do you help JS errors?
A: You console them!
Q: Why don't parents teach their kids about regular expressions?
A: Because they don't want them playing with matches
Q: Why didn't the <div /> get invited to the dinner party?
A: Because it had no class!
Q: Why aren't cryptocurrency engineers allowed to vote?
A: Because they're miners!
Q: Why did the constant break up with the variable?
A: Because they changed.
Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?
A: She had one-to-many relationships.
Asynchronous JavaScript is amazing.
I Promise you, await and see.
Q: What did the Class say in court when put on trial?
A: I strongly object!
Q: Why do Java developers wear glasses?
A: Because they don't C#!
Q: What are the three hardest problems in computer science?
A: Naming things and off-by-one errors
Q: What did the fruit basket say to the developer?
A: I hope you're ready for some pear programming!
Q: How does a sysadmin keep a fire going?
A: They rotate the logs.
I've got a great UDP joke but I'm afraid you wouldn't get it...
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code. They refused to comment.
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don't.
Q: I love you and I only love you. Does that turn you on?
AND GATE: No.
Q: Why do all HTML emails get blocked?
A: Because they are all <span />.
Q: What did the process say after working in an infinite loop all day?
A: I need a break.
Q: An Agent died unexpectedly. How was the crime solved?
A: By looking at the Stack Trace.
Q: Why did the document store go out of business?
A: It had NoSQL.
Q: Why can't SQL and NoSQL Developers date one other?
A: Because they don't agree on relationships.
Q: Why is Python like the Soviet Union?
A: Because it has no private fields
Q: Where did the API go to eat?
A: To the RESTaurant
Q: Why shouldn't you trust Matlab developers?
A: Because they're always plotting something.
Q: Why did the developer have to quit smoking?
A: Because they couldn't afford to pay the new syntax.
Q: How does a programmer open a jar for their significant other?
A: They install Java
Q: What did the psychic say to the developers?
A: I see dev people.
Q: Where does the pirate stash all of their digital treasures?
A: RAR
Q: What is React's favorite movie genre?
A: Suspense
Q: Why couldn't the React component understand the joke?
A: Because it didn't get the context.
Q: What did XHR say to AJAX when it thought it was being a Mean Girl?
A: Stop trying to make fetch happen!
Q: What was Grace Hopper's favorite car?
A: VW Bug
Q: What sits on a pirate's shoulder and calls, "Pieces of seven, Pieces of seven"?
A: Parroty error.
Q: What is a pirate's favorite programming language?
A: You'd think it was R, but a pirate's first love is Objectively C.
Q: Why did the programmer come home crying?"
A: His friends were always boolean him.
- Knock Knock!
- An async function
- Who's there?
Q: What PostgreSQL library should Python developers use for adult-oriented code?
A: psycoPG13
The next time you're using Safari or Firefox and it's running slowly, you can say to yourself, "I could've had a V8".
Q: What accommodations did the JavaScript developer request at the hotel?
A: A room with a Vue.
Q: Where do developers drink?
A: The Foo bar
Q: Why do assembly programmers need to know how to swim?
A: Because they work below C level.
Q: Who used the internet before it was cool?
A: Httpsters
Q: What kind of computer can hold a musical note?
A: A Dell.
Q: Why did the web developer always go to the wrong hotel room?
A: They were in room 301.
Q: How do you stop a web developer stealing your stuff?
A: Write 403 on it.
Q: Why are machine learning models so fit?
A: Because they do weight training.
Q: Why did Gargamel shut down the internet?
A: Because he didn't want people SMURFING the web!
Q: What did the command line die of?
A: A Terminal illness.
Q: Did you hear what the clumsy cryptographer did to their password?
A: Made a hash of it.
Q: Why are keyboards always working so hard?
A: Cause they have two shifts!
Q: What are clouds made of?
A: Mostly linux servers.
Q: How does Mr. Potato Head (dev edition 0.0.1) remove his mustache?
A: git stache pop
Q: Why can't you use 'Soup' as your password?
A: Because it isn't stroganoff
Q: Why do developers use mechanical keyboards?
A: To strongly type their code.
A new database query walks into a bar.
The server says "Sorry, cache only."
What's the best tool for automatically ignoring long email threads about tech buzzwords?
"Block-chain"
Q: What is a developer's favorite country song?
A: Hello World - by Lady Antebellum
Q: Why was nobody given food at the developer conference?
A: It was a serverless function!
Q: Why did the developer cancel their dinner plans?
A: They were unable to fulfil peer dependencies
Q: Why did the functional programmer finally move out of their house?
A: For(e) closure
Q: How do JavaScript developers break up?
A: They always promise to callback
Q: Why do developers mixup Terminals and Polygraphs?
A: Because they both can see a lie (CLI)
Q: Did you hear about the programmer that was scared of IDEs?
A: They retreated back into their shell
Q: What do you call optimistic front-end developers?
A: Stack half-full developers.
Q: Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
A: It's making HEADLINES!
Q: Hey officer! How did the hackers escape?
A: No idea. They just ransomware.
Q: Why can’t data engineers become hat makers?
A: They can only guarantee two thirds of a CAP!
Q: How did the hippie learn about database transactions?
A: By taking ACID
Q: Why is it called the Dark Ages?
A: There were a lot of KNIGHTS!
Q: What did the Network Administrator say when they caught a nasty virus?
A: It hurts when IP
Q: Which programming language is the shortest?
A: HTML. Because it doesn't have a neck between its <head> and <body>.
Q: What good can come of 2989 witches casting a hex?
A: None, it is always 0xBAD
Q: Did you here about the witch who was off by two when casting a hex?
A: They failed to make the target DEAD and made them DEAF instead!
I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k.
It was a trip down Memory Lane.
Lisp programmers don't make prank calls. They make FUNCALLs