We lost Latvia! I for one am heartbroken. I thought Latvia performed really well and had a very fun entry, but they’ll have been ruined by the jury vote.
Other fun entries we lost included Albania, who had some incredibly provocative choreography, Israel which was the campest thing I’ve ever seen, Georgia who were fabulously weird, and San Marino whose act wore a see-through lace catsuit and rode a mechanical bull called Roxanne.
Genuinely decent songs we lost (especially if you listen to the recorded version) are Cyprus’ Andromache with Ela, Austria’s Lumix ft. Pia Maria with Halo, and Croatia’s Mia Dimsic with Guilty Pleasure (my personal favourite ❤). And Ireland’s Brooke with That’s Rich, if you’re a Kelly Clarkson fan.
It’s a weird year for the odds as everything is very skewed by Ukraine, but here’s my quick summary of the acts that qualified:
High in the odds
Ukraine are overwhelmingly favourites to win, for obvious reasons (although see below for a detailed discussion). Sweden, the UK and Spain have great songs and fantastic staging. Italy have drifted a little but the studio version is magical. Of those I’d say Sweden is probably second favourite as it stands.
Songs to dance to
Czech Republic, Romania, France, Norway, Spain and Moldova. It might be quite a slow second half as all of these except Moldova are in the first 10 songs.
Songs where the studio version is better
Czech Republic, Romania, Finland, Italy, Netherlands, Belgium
Songs where the live version is better
France, Armenia, Spain, Ukraine, Lithuania, Greece, Moldova
Songs for lovers of Eurovision weirdness
France, Norway, Ukraine, Moldova and Serbia
Songs for fans of men singing boring ballads
Switzerland, Germany, Azerbaijan, Australia, Poland, Estonia (UK and Italy excluded because I actually like the songs)
Songs for fans of women singing ballads (but less boringly!)
Portugal, Armenia, Lithuania, Greece, Iceland, Sweden (I actually like all of these)
Songs for fans of great costumes
Finland, Norway, Ukraine, Moldova, Australia
My personal top 10 (not in order)
France, Norway, Ukraine, Lithuania, Greece, Moldova, Sweden, UK, Serbia, and either Italy’s recorded version or Spain’s live.
- Czech Republic, We Are Domi, Lights Off
Opening the show is a country which has had a streak of Rachel-friendly entries, from Miklos Josef in 2018 through to Benny Cristo in 2021. The track has real energy and will be a great, danceable way to open the show – although We Are Domi haven’t quite managed to bring that energy to the live version yet. Luckily, they’re throwing the kitchen sink at the staging. And yes, they do turn the lights off as Domi sings “turn the lights off”.
Tl;dr – you should listen to the strobe lighting warning for this one, I think they’ve used every light they can
Looks like: the wanton destruction of a work of art
Sounds like: an electropop banger
- Romania, wrs, Llamame
Continuing the fun tracks. Llamame is obscenely catchy (I have been singing “hola mi bebebe” to myself a lot over the last few weeks), and dancer wrs is well-equipped to match its energy. I prefer the original version of the track, but at Eurovision he’s got four dancer friends in provocative outfits to play with, which is just as important as a good song. His male backing dancers look like they’re trying to avoid a “no shirt, no service” policy on a technicality. And keep an eye out for wrs’ costume change! (honestly it’s quite weak but he’s the only one to really try).
Tl;dr - hola mi bebebe
Looks like: a bisexual dance party
Sounds like: you should already be dancing
- Portugal, Maro, Saudade, saudade
Back to chill vibes now with Maro singing about the death of her grandfather. She’s chosen to use the smaller, secondary stage rather than the big flashy one in the hope of giving her performance more intimacy. Full disclosure, I usually hate the Portuguese entries, but this one has grown on me. Staging includes five backing singers and a fog machine. It could be a moment, it could get a little lost, much like the Dutch entry above. Excitingly, one of Maro’s backing singers tested positive for Covid before rehearsals, but she was back in time for the semi-final.
Tl;dr – sad Portuguese ladies with fog machine
Looks like: a group therapy session
Sounds like: Spotify’s chill playlist
- Finland, The Rasmus, Jezebel
Remember The Rasmus? This is them now! Following in the proud tradition of Blue, Darude, Bonnie Tyler and Cascada, The Rasmus are a group with actual hit songs behind them who have inexplicably come to ruin their legacy with Eurovision. This is a pretty classic example of their oeuvre and the vocals aren’t great, but do pay attention to the lyrics in the first verse (and tag yourself: I’m “a predator on wheels”).
Tl;dr – a killer shark in heels
Looks like: a bad version of It
Sounds like: In the Shadows but a bit worse
- Switzerland, Marius Bear, Boys Do Cry
I am so annoyed that this qualified. Saccharine and occasionally confusing lyrics + capital-M Message = points? That’s what Marius Bear is hoping. The rest of us will hope not. It’s fine, the message that boys are allowed to cry is important, but there are a lot of male ballads this year and I don’t think this is the one. Plus Marius is busy selling NFTs on the side and keeps wearing a terrible leather jacket, so…
Tl;dr – boys are crying (at how bad this is)
Looks like: a man on stage singing
Sounds like: a man on stage singing
- France, Alvan and Ahez, Fulenn
Big news on France this year as it’s apparently the first ever year where there are no songs in French! France is normally very good at sending own-language songs, and Fulenn is no different – it’s just that it’s in Breton rather than French. This is techno-folk with a Celtic twist and as such really stands out. The story is about a woman who goes dancing under the moonlight in a forest, not caring what anyone thinks (“She dances with the devil, so what?/I dance with the devil, so what?” is the repeated lyric sung by Alvan and then Ahez). The staging is really evocative with lots of fire and Celtic iconography, and I for one love it.
Tl;dr – no French, no problem
Looks like: some kind of mystical ritual
Sounds like: nothing else this year
- Norway, Subwoolfer, Give That Wolf a Banana
I don’t think I can tell you anything about Norway’s entry that will be funnier than the entry itself, which is a real blow for someone who has spent quite a long time trying to think of something funny to say. Just watch it, listen to the lyrics, and understand why I can no longer take anyone with the name Keith seriously (sorry, Keiths of the world). I love it.
Tl;dr – yellow space wolves, one of whom is called Keith
Looks like: there’s also DJ Astronaut
Sounds like: yum yum yum
- Armenia, Rosa Linn, Snap
An oddly low-key song, but it could be anthemic if everyone in the arena joins in. The staging is what makes this – it’s beautiful and very cool, with Rosa sat in a bedroom made of white post it notes. That’s not to say the song is bad. You can easily imagine it as the soundtrack to an ad for something beautiful. It just never particularly builds to anything. Still, would listen again.
Tl;dr – watch this one
Looks like: she’s having an existential crisis
Sounds like: an iPhone ad
- Italy, Mahmood and Blanco, Brividi
Mahmood has represented Italy at Eurovision once before, coming second in 2019 with the excellent Soldi. Now he’s back and has a friend! Brividi is unusual as a duet for Eurovision as a duet between two men, but it works as a way to meld their individual styles. The lyrics are really beautiful, both in Italian and in translation – brividi means “shivers” and is used to describe telling someone you love them even when you’re scared of making mistakes. Honestly, it’s a great track to listen to and was an early fan favourite. It’s fallen down the odds a little, not helped by some off notes in live performances and a weirdly low-energy staging, but if it goes right it’ll go so right.
Tl;dr – Italy really don’t want to host again but accidentally picked a great song
Looks like: Neo from The Matrix sings with an angelic fisherman
Sounds like: hopefully it’ll sound as good as the recorded version
- Spain, Chanel, SloMo
Italy have sent a ballad. The UK and Germany have both gone relatively slow. France are doing their own thing. Spain, finally, have sent a bop. Chanel is a great performer and has been a delight throughout all the pre-parties. She has a huge number of adoring fans from Spain, Latin America and across Europe all of whom want her to succeed. She has some amazing choreography and cracking lighting. I genuinely don’t understand how she’s not out of breath. She’s got so much fire. And she’s singing about her (admittedly fabulous) bum. She’s ready to get Spain’s best result in a long time.
Tl;dr – booty hypnotic, make you want more
Looks like: sexy matador, great bum
Sounds like: Latin pop goes to the club
- Netherlands, S10, De diepte
I don’t have very much to say about this one. S10 is a classy singer, and the song is good, but sad. According to S10 “it’s a tribute to the sadness and memories that you carry with you”, which is also why it needs to be entirely in Dutch – apparently that’s the best way for her to express her emotions. You can insert your own jokes about the Dutch language here. So yeah, nice, low-key, pretty weird outfit, but will stand out in a good way between Spain and Ukraine. She was a bit nervous in her semi-final and it affected the vocal, but hopefully it’ll be alright on the night.
Tl;dr – sad Dutch lady with wind machine
Looks like: the aforementioned wind machine blew away half her top
Sounds like: a Sam Smith album track
- Ukraine, Kalush Orchestra, Stefania
Ukraine are the favourites to win this year, and I’ve seen a lot of hot takes about how that’s solely because of the war. I think that’s a bit unfair – Stefania combines a lot of qualities that voters have rewarded in recent years and is a legitimately fun song with a sweet message. It’s all about the singer’s mum and how much he loves her. There were worries that Kalush Orchestra might not make it to Turin (as men between 18 and 65 aren’t allowed to leave Ukraine), but they’re here and ready to perform at their absolute best. And it’s a really fun mix of rap and folk in a very Eurovision way.
Tl;dr – if you watched last year, think Go_A meets Manizha. If you didn’t, pink bucket hat
Looks like: Gen Z have taken over folk music
Sounds like: Go_A meets Manizha
- Germany, Malik Harris, Rockstars
All of the Big Five have really stepped up their game this year (well, France and Italy were already good). All except one. Hi, Germany! I’m being a little bit unfair to Malik and I do actually quite like this song, it’s just that it’s going to be everyone’s 20th place and therefore not get any points. Like James Newman for the UK last year, there’s not quite enough about it to be memorable. Look out for the most uninterested drum-playing you’ve ever seen.
Tl;dr – Malik really wanted to play every instrument
Looks like: he lost his band
Sounds like: Mike Skinner having an existential crisis
- Lithuania, Monika Liu, Sentimentai
I am SO HAPPY that Monika qualified, because I genuinely love this entry. It’s very French bistro, Monika is cool, and it’s pretty catchy. Plus the staging is fun, with lots of bright lights mirroring Monika’s disco ball of a dress. And everyone singing in their native language gets a bonus point from me. And she’s adorable!
Tl;dr – the one that Rachel likes that doesn’t do as well as it should
Looks like: Smoky Parisian bistro singer. This is a niche reference, but she has the same haircut as Saleisha’s makeover on season 9 of America’s Next Top Model
Sounds like: Smoky Lithuanian bistro singer
- Azerbaijan, Nadir Rustamli, Fade to Black
Azerbaijan were the last country to release their Eurovision entry this year, so expectations were high. And then they gave us… this. It’s fine. It’s almost aggressively fine. There’s literally not enough about it to even hate. Nadir is good, I guess? Normally, Azerbaijan make up for pretty bland songs with amazing staging, but this year they’ve gone for a dancer and some stairs. Groundbreaking. Like, they’re not even the only big-voiced male soloist climbing some stairs this year.
Tl;dr – being excited for your Christmas present as a child and getting soap
Looks like: a man on some stairs
Sounds like: a one-man Les Mis tribute act
- Belgium, Jeremie Makiese, Miss You
This is a really slick entry that deserves to do well. Jeremie is a great performer and the song is very different to everything else in the contest, which should help him. Accordingly, he’s not done very much with the staging – the key thing is that he gets to shine. He’s got four backing dancers to help him and a very shiny silver jacket, and that’s all he needs. Weirdly disliked by the fandom.
Tl;dr – am I gonna miss this song? Yeah
Looks like: a boyband with a very clear frontman
Sounds like: actual R&B
- Greece, Amanda Georgiadi Tenfjord, Die Together
This has grown on me. On first listen, the lyrics are ridiculously teenage emo, but maybe that’s no bad thing, and it’s surprisingly catchy for a ballad. Amanda is one of those annoying people who can do everything. When she’s not competing at Eurovision, she’s a medical student in Norway (where her mum is from) – her acoustic version of this song backed by her medical school choir is excellent.
Tl;dr – fun staging, great singer, teen angst
Looks like: Lorde getting stuck in an old-timey asylum
Sounds like: that time you were 15 and about to break up with your first boy/girlfriend
- Iceland, Systur, Med haekkandi sol
At least these three are actually sisters (throwback to those of you who remember Germany’s 2019 entry S!sters, who weren’t). For those of you who don’t speak Icelandic, the song is about the point in winter when the sun gets a little bit higher each day, and the hope that gives. It’s very soothing and has potential to be a really nice, relaxing break in the show. Either that or everyone will use it to pop to the loo. Keep an eye out for the synchronised turn that is the closest this entry gets to choreo. Systur have been very vocally supportive of LGBTQ+ rights in their interviews and have been holding a trans flag in the green room rather than an Icelandic flag, which is nice.
Tl;dr – bit of a throwback
Looks like: they raided a charity shop in Nashville
Sounds like: an excellent way to get your kids to sleep
- Moldova, Zdob si Zdub and Advahov Brothers, Trenuletul
From the sublime to the ridiculous. Longtime followers of both me and Eurovision may recognise Zdob si Zdub, who I absolutely love. They’ve appeared in Eurovision twice before, in 2005 (Boonika Bate Toba) and 2011 (So Lucky) and have now joined with the Advahov Brothers in the hope it’s third time lucky. Their usual folk/Gypsy punk style has been made somewhat rockier for Eurovision, but there’s still plenty of violin and accordion action. The song is about the train between Chisinau and Bucharest, which they use to discuss the Romania/Moldova unification movement. They don’t have an actual train for the stage (booooo), but it is very fun.
Tl;dr – I have a Spotify playlist called BOUNCE which this has immediately joined. Let’s go!
Looks like: Thomas the Tank Engine does Eurovision
Sounds like: The Pogues got drunk running around Chisinau
- Sweden, Cornelia Jakobs, Hold Me Closer
Usually the Swedish entry is slick pop that’s generic enough to win loads of votes in Melodifestivalen (the Swedish selection contest), but it’s not been particularly authentic for a little while. I’d like to argue that the majority of the fans are wrong on this, that Sweden knows what Europe likes, and that the fact Sweden sends consistently high-quality songs is A Good Thing. It’s been a while since I’ve disliked a Swedish entry. This year, Sweden has leant hard into the authenticity thing. Cornelia co-wrote her song and brings her whole self to the performance, occasionally missed notes and all. It’s heavily reliant on her charisma, but luckily she has that in spades. Also, top quality song for belting out in your kitchen/shower.
Tl;dr – she’s fallen hard for a one-night stand
Looks like: the girl you fancied as a teenager
Sounds like: a great pop ballad
- Australia, Sheldon Riley, Not the Same
Remember the “true to myself” songs? This is another one! To be fair to Sheldon, his message is very personal and feels a lot more real than some of the others – Not the Same talks about his experience as a gay man and someone with Asperger’s, and some of the lyrics are pretty heartbreaking. Australia have gone hard with the staging and costumes, and the moment where Sheldon’s mask comes off ought to be really powerful. Sadly, the organisers have put three great male vocalists in a row and Sheldon has the weakest song.
Tl;dr – the other man with the stairs
Looks like: a sparkly-masked angel
Sounds like: he’s not like the other boys
- UK, Sam Ryder, Space Man
So. Weird one, this. It’s, um, good? Sam Ryder is a TikTok star with 14m followers, a fine beard and some very impressive hair. He seems like a sweetheart. He’s done actual promo across Europe and sounds obscenely excited to be taking part in Eurovision, even if he comes last. I don’t think he will come last. The song is good. The song is catchy, it has big enough notes that juries will probably go for him, and it should have popular appeal. The staging, historically a massive weakness for the UK, has been stepped up. And Sam can really perform. Honestly, I’ve seen a leaked video of one of his pre-final performances and it gave me chills. Which is even weirder.
Tl;dr – everybody loves Sam Ryder
Looks like: the National Space Centre goes disco
Sounds like: high-quality, well-performed, current British pop
- Poland, Ochman, River
The last of our three big-voiced men and widely considered to be the best male vocal in this year’s contest, everybody loves Ochman. He’s another to have found success on reality TV first, winning The Voice of Poland in 2020. I’m not going to pretend there’s a super deep message to the song (it’s about letting go of your daily struggles and darkness), but Poland have really come to win this year – it’s a great song and they have absolutely thrown the kitchen sink at the staging. There is SO MUCH going on.
Tl;dr – check the high notes on this one
Looks like: he’s dressed up to sing karaoke in a hurricane
Sounds like: Hozier’s Take Me to Church
- Serbia, Konstrakta, In corpore sano
I LOVE KONSTRAKTA. From the opening lyric “what is the secret of Meghan Markle’s healthy hair?”, Konstrakta creates the weirdest, artiest, smartest journey of this year’s Eurovision. You should read the lyrics yourself (the translation, at least) – this one genuinely has a message, and one that’s different from most bland entries. Plus the on-stage presentation is gloriously weird. I love her.
Tl;dr – what is the secret of Konstrakta?
Looks like: Nurse Ratched tells you to WASH YOUR HANDS
Sounds like: being healthy
- Estonia, Stefan, Hope
He’s a cowboy! There’s normally at least one country who decides, inexplicably, that country music comes not just from Nashville but Tbilisi, Valletta, or, in this case, Tallinn. This is actually quite a good example of the genre, and its hopeful message has already been adopted by some Ukrainians on social media. The most exciting part of his rehearsal clip is where it shows hundreds of empty chairs, which hopefully will be filled with adoring fans in the actual show. I would be terrible at sitting in those seats, I’d end up looking away or biting my nails and ruining the moment. And it turns out that during his semi-final, there were more people like me in the audience than he would have liked. Awks.
Tl;dr – Tallinn via Nashville
Looks like: idk, a man in some clothes? Hard to tell through the sepia filter
Sounds like: Garth Brooks, but with lyrics written by Love Island contestants